I was going to name this "My Relationship with a Pyromaniac", but said pyromaniac sipped his coffee and told me that my clothes would look lovely...on fire.
Where do I begin with this?
I do believe I touched on how Loki and I crossed paths. Well, at least the first time I was aware that we crossed paths, as I have a tendency to be completely oblivious to certain things.
I am known as the jester in my rather large family. When bad things happen, I crack jokes. When good things happen, I crack jokes. When people are in pain, I find something to say that takes their mind off of it.
At first, I could imagine that this quality in me was incredibly irritating to everyone around me. Even people who meet me consider me to be...odd (and that's putting it nicely!). Why? Because I don't think like other people. While everyone else is stuck in traffic and venting their frustrations out on their steering wheels, I'm gazing at the skies, looking for dragons...or aliens.
I think the system that humans dreamed up is awful silly. Rules, rules, rules! Everyone wants freedom, but no one wants the responsibility of TRUE freedom. It's all so very amusing! At least that's what my god and I whisper to each other behind the backs of those hurrying people.
When I first started on this path, I tiptoed around Loki. It was as if he was crashing on my couch, sleeping off a bender, and I was afraid of waking him in case he was a violent drunk.
Days went by and he was still on my couch. He was waiting, not sleeping.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
"If God (or the Gods) Exist, Then Why Doesn't He/She Help Me?!"
The post title explains this post. Everything about it.
My relationship with Loki has taken some falls. At one point, I've had my entire life disappear in a cloud of smoke right in front of me and--leftover from my Christian upbringing--I cried out the same thing and disowned Loki completely.
Cue dramatic "Why have you forsaken me?!", arms outstretched to the heavens, hands balled into fists, in the rain...you name it.
Loki gave a smirk when I was furious at him and told me that I'll be back once I've calmed down.
Of course, he was right. He's always right, the smug bastard.
I realized that the failing wasn't his doing, it was my own. I thought that if I worshiped Loki (or any god), they would take care of me and protect me. Nothing bad would ever happen to be as long as a deity had my back. Many people actually believe this, then, when things go south for them, their faith goes all shaky.
When I finally calmed down and asked Loki if we were still cool with each other, he seemed to smile again. That damnable knowing smile he has.
What he told me/what I learned was this: The gods are not our babysitters. Bad things happen because bad things do happen.
The gods are not there to save us from our mistakes or anything life throws at us. They are there to guide us through those troubles and lead us to a deeper understanding. We expect too much of them when we try to consider them as our spiritual bodyguard. That's an unrealistic goal to press on them. Nothing, not even Loki, can be in Jotunheim and Midgard at the same time, ya dig? They can't make sure that your traffic lights stay green, that you won't get a ticket, that you won't go to jail, that your house won't burn down....that the Earth won't open up and swallow you.
So, what does a god do? What they can: Be there for you.
After our little spat, Loki told me that he is there for me. He's my buddy, the guy I go to when I need to understand something. He's the dude that explains the obvious when my mind is too clouded to "get it". He laughs and jests, but his lessons are deep and, sometimes, oh so sharp. He seems blithe and flippant, but he's nurturing and caring.
He's taught me to smile and laugh when I'm facing the storm. He's taught me that everything changes, but nothing is ever lost. He's taught me how to survive through the worst. That is how my god helps me. No miracles. No protective bubble. Nothing of that sort. All of that would hinder my growth. It would hinder everyone's growth.
Think of a spoiled rich child who gets everything in life and never has to earn anything the hard way or suffer any major loss. That child learns nothing and does not grow or mature.
Now, the next time something horrible happens to you, don't ask why your god didn't prevent it. Only ask if they are there to help you through it.
My relationship with Loki has taken some falls. At one point, I've had my entire life disappear in a cloud of smoke right in front of me and--leftover from my Christian upbringing--I cried out the same thing and disowned Loki completely.
Cue dramatic "Why have you forsaken me?!", arms outstretched to the heavens, hands balled into fists, in the rain...you name it.
Loki gave a smirk when I was furious at him and told me that I'll be back once I've calmed down.
Of course, he was right. He's always right, the smug bastard.
I realized that the failing wasn't his doing, it was my own. I thought that if I worshiped Loki (or any god), they would take care of me and protect me. Nothing bad would ever happen to be as long as a deity had my back. Many people actually believe this, then, when things go south for them, their faith goes all shaky.
When I finally calmed down and asked Loki if we were still cool with each other, he seemed to smile again. That damnable knowing smile he has.
What he told me/what I learned was this: The gods are not our babysitters. Bad things happen because bad things do happen.
The gods are not there to save us from our mistakes or anything life throws at us. They are there to guide us through those troubles and lead us to a deeper understanding. We expect too much of them when we try to consider them as our spiritual bodyguard. That's an unrealistic goal to press on them. Nothing, not even Loki, can be in Jotunheim and Midgard at the same time, ya dig? They can't make sure that your traffic lights stay green, that you won't get a ticket, that you won't go to jail, that your house won't burn down....that the Earth won't open up and swallow you.
So, what does a god do? What they can: Be there for you.
After our little spat, Loki told me that he is there for me. He's my buddy, the guy I go to when I need to understand something. He's the dude that explains the obvious when my mind is too clouded to "get it". He laughs and jests, but his lessons are deep and, sometimes, oh so sharp. He seems blithe and flippant, but he's nurturing and caring.
He's taught me to smile and laugh when I'm facing the storm. He's taught me that everything changes, but nothing is ever lost. He's taught me how to survive through the worst. That is how my god helps me. No miracles. No protective bubble. Nothing of that sort. All of that would hinder my growth. It would hinder everyone's growth.
Think of a spoiled rich child who gets everything in life and never has to earn anything the hard way or suffer any major loss. That child learns nothing and does not grow or mature.
Now, the next time something horrible happens to you, don't ask why your god didn't prevent it. Only ask if they are there to help you through it.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
The Infamous Backstory
You had to know this was coming, so here it goes:
Why Pagan?
I wonder that every single day.
I grew up in a Catholic family. Heavily Catholic. As in went to church every Sunday, baptized, First Holy Communion, catechism, Catholic. Yep, Lent, Ash Wednesday, saying the rosary at home...the whole she-bang. We weren't even allowed playing cards in our home because they "attracted the devil".
I was young when it started. There was a growing feeling in me that none of this was right for me. Some of what the priest would say did sort of sound right, but everything else was wrong.
I look back now and wonder how much of that was boredom and how much of it was simply my soul calling out for more.
As soon as I could, I would venture off to the library by myself and check out some of my favorite books on ghosts, vampires, spirits, what have you. I LOVED that stuff. One of my visits there, a book caught my eye. It was called "The Grand Grimorie" (you might recognize it as the "Goetia").
Something clicked in me when it came to that book. It was close, but not quite what I was looking for. I did check out the book and copy every single thing in it.
From there, I checked out other books that gave my religious mother fits. It didn't matter how much she punished me for my interest, I wasn't about to give it up!
Finally, after many pitfalls, I landed in this broad field called Paganism. It suits me. It feels right. I've never been happier, actually.
Why Pagan?
I wonder that every single day.
I grew up in a Catholic family. Heavily Catholic. As in went to church every Sunday, baptized, First Holy Communion, catechism, Catholic. Yep, Lent, Ash Wednesday, saying the rosary at home...the whole she-bang. We weren't even allowed playing cards in our home because they "attracted the devil".
I was young when it started. There was a growing feeling in me that none of this was right for me. Some of what the priest would say did sort of sound right, but everything else was wrong.
I look back now and wonder how much of that was boredom and how much of it was simply my soul calling out for more.
As soon as I could, I would venture off to the library by myself and check out some of my favorite books on ghosts, vampires, spirits, what have you. I LOVED that stuff. One of my visits there, a book caught my eye. It was called "The Grand Grimorie" (you might recognize it as the "Goetia").
Something clicked in me when it came to that book. It was close, but not quite what I was looking for. I did check out the book and copy every single thing in it.
From there, I checked out other books that gave my religious mother fits. It didn't matter how much she punished me for my interest, I wasn't about to give it up!
Finally, after many pitfalls, I landed in this broad field called Paganism. It suits me. It feels right. I've never been happier, actually.
Why a name like "The Black Spiral"?
I guess the first order of business is to answer a simple question: Why a name like "The Black Spiral"?
I know you're thinking "Gee, that doesn't sound very positive!"
You would be right. It's not. Not really at least.
See, I'm a tabletop nerd. One of my first loves was not D&D, but Vampire: The Masquerade. Before long, I had a few copies of the other White Wolf game, Werewolf: The Apocalypse. I loved those books. When I didn't get a chance to play, I read the books and made characters.
However, there was something that always resonated with me: The Black Spiral Dancers. Now, I didn't like them (they were the twisted werewolves who wanted to destroy everything pure) and I didn't like what they stood for...but something about that title "Black Spiral Dancer" just stayed with me.
These creatures added to their ranks by kidnapping other werewolves and forcing them to walk the Black Spiral Labyrinth. By walking the labyrinth, they changed, became twisted creatures...Black Spiral Dancers.
Now, why did I take it? Well, remove all of the negativity from it and this is what I get: The labyrinth is something that we all walk. Life is nothing but a huge labyrinth. Some people go around in circles and never learn a thing at all. However, if you're like me, you walk the Black Spiral. It's not like the other one. This one twists you about. It changes you. It distorts your view to the point where the world doesn't look the same way again. You've been driven to the point of madness and back and you're still a bit confused.
The Black Spiral, to me, is something that no one wants to be in. It's something that you just find yourself in and good luck getting out. After a while, it starts to become quite cozy...
So, what path do I walk spiritually? I walk the path of the Black Spiral. (Let's just call it that because it sounds spooky, m'kay?) I don't have a set path. I wander. Sometimes in circles, just like what I said in all of that rambling above.
If you gleaned something out of my gibberish--AWESOME! If not? Just wait! It gets worse!
I know you're thinking "Gee, that doesn't sound very positive!"
You would be right. It's not. Not really at least.
See, I'm a tabletop nerd. One of my first loves was not D&D, but Vampire: The Masquerade. Before long, I had a few copies of the other White Wolf game, Werewolf: The Apocalypse. I loved those books. When I didn't get a chance to play, I read the books and made characters.
However, there was something that always resonated with me: The Black Spiral Dancers. Now, I didn't like them (they were the twisted werewolves who wanted to destroy everything pure) and I didn't like what they stood for...but something about that title "Black Spiral Dancer" just stayed with me.
These creatures added to their ranks by kidnapping other werewolves and forcing them to walk the Black Spiral Labyrinth. By walking the labyrinth, they changed, became twisted creatures...Black Spiral Dancers.
Now, why did I take it? Well, remove all of the negativity from it and this is what I get: The labyrinth is something that we all walk. Life is nothing but a huge labyrinth. Some people go around in circles and never learn a thing at all. However, if you're like me, you walk the Black Spiral. It's not like the other one. This one twists you about. It changes you. It distorts your view to the point where the world doesn't look the same way again. You've been driven to the point of madness and back and you're still a bit confused.
The Black Spiral, to me, is something that no one wants to be in. It's something that you just find yourself in and good luck getting out. After a while, it starts to become quite cozy...
So, what path do I walk spiritually? I walk the path of the Black Spiral. (Let's just call it that because it sounds spooky, m'kay?) I don't have a set path. I wander. Sometimes in circles, just like what I said in all of that rambling above.
If you gleaned something out of my gibberish--AWESOME! If not? Just wait! It gets worse!
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