The Infamous Backstory

You had to know this was coming, so here it goes:

Why Pagan?

I wonder that every single day.
I grew up in a Catholic family. Heavily Catholic. As in went to church every Sunday, baptized, First Holy Communion, catechism, Catholic. Yep, Lent, Ash Wednesday, saying the rosary at home...the whole she-bang. We weren't even allowed playing cards in our home because they "attracted the devil".
I was young when it started. There was a growing feeling in me that none of this was right for me. Some of what the priest would say did sort of sound right, but everything else was wrong.
I look back now and wonder how much of that was boredom and how much of it was simply my soul calling out for more.

As soon as I could, I would venture off to the library by myself and check out some of my favorite books on ghosts, vampires, spirits, what have you. I LOVED that stuff. One of my visits there, a book caught my eye. It was called "The Grand Grimorie" (you might recognize it as the "Goetia").
Something clicked in me when it came to that book. It was close, but not quite what I was looking for. I did check out the book and copy every single thing in it.

From there, I checked out other books that gave my religious mother fits. It didn't matter how much she punished me for my interest, I wasn't about to give it up!

Finally, after many pitfalls, I landed in this broad field called Paganism. It suits me. It feels right. I've never been happier, actually.


My God and WHY?!

Let me start this off with a basic belief of mine. It might be completely contrary to everything some of the more popular Pagan and Wiccan authors write: We do not choose our gods. Our gods choose us.

Is that too hard of a concept for people to understand? Believe it or not, it really is for some people.

I tried to call out to different gods. I was completely lost in all of this and wanted a deity in my corner. After all, this was what all of the books said, right? I called and called. I can imagine that some of them checked their spiritual caller-ID, saw my name and just decided not to answer.
I felt rejected and even started to question whether I was on the right track or not.

It wasn't until my life hit a point right on the verge of shambles that HE came along. As I saw him, he was lean, sexy...flame-haired and smirking. He said his name was "Loki"...and I tried to get the hell out of dodge!
I read about Loki. Mythology is one of my favorite subjects. Always has been. So, I knew his history and I was terrified! I wanted nothing to do with him at all!

Loki took the rejection incredibly well by plopping down on my couch and saying, "That's okay. I'll wait."

By this time, I had friends telling me to stop denying it, I was one of his. I didn't want that at all. Nothing I read about him was good. If I accepted him, I was automatically a "bad" Pagan. Right?

So, I ignored him and ignored him. And Loki sat and patiently waited.

Soon enough, my old life crumbled around me. Loki asked if I was ready to accept his lessons. I ignored him.

My old life disappeared. Everything I knew in my marriage and in the world around me proved false. Disillusioned and (quite possibly) a touch crazy, I stumbled away from all of that and pointed my finger at him. He only smiled and told me that everything I thought I knew was wrong. I lived blindly and all of that needed to go away so I could truly see. He asked me, again, if I was ready to accept his lessons. This time, I said "yes".

It was the most painful lesson that I've ever had to learn. Do I blame Loki? Of course! But, I also thank him with the same breath.

Without him, I would not have evolved as spiritually as I have. I, jokingly, tell everyone that Loki broke my brain. In part, that is true. He shattered my view of reality and let me in on the great secret: "It's all one great big joke."
Let me tell you, those words might not seem like small change, but when Loki whispers it to you, you feel it. You can almost see the world, the social structure, the entire system!--break down. It's all a joke.

Has life with Loki been hard? You bet! His lessons aren't easy. He does not coddle. He does not sugarcoat anything. He simply shakes things up, kicks you when you're down, and tells you to figure out how to get back up. Oh, but when you do get back up, he's always there with a cold beer and a smile, just for you.

Walking with Loki (or manically skipping alongside him, if you prefer) is not easy. It's not for the weak. It's probably not even for the sane.

Let's face it, you have to be a touch mad to let a drunken Norse god into your home, especially when he's lighting a cigarette with a Molotov cocktail.

Next time, we'll talk about...something else...I haven't decided what yet.